Hydrangeas and Callunas
by annakazam
Summary: The story of how a young elven girl perseveres through terrible losses and tries her hardest to finally find peace.
1. Chapter 1: Crimson

Chapter 1: Crimson

It was a normal gloomy day. The clouds hung low as usual and the streets were nearly empty. I ran back home in bare feet, mud soaked shoes grasped in one hand and a loaf of bread in the other. Ever since the people in charge closed off our city from everyone else the food here hasn't been good and I haven't seen my cousin, who lived in a different city, for a long time. But today was a good day because today I turned ten years old. "Good evening Ara. Is that bread you've got there?" I heard one of my neighbors call from their doorway. He coughed harshly into a handkerchief and I watched as he removed the cloth from his mouth revealing a dark stain on the cloth that glistened with wetness. A small trickle of blood dripped from his crooked smile and as my eyes drifted around his face they landed on the small bulbous tumors forming on his face and the drooping of his once pointy ears. This man was sick too. I looked away and tried to hold back a gag. "I...I have to go" I muttered and continued running down the street, passing the sick elven man. I felt his hand reach out for my arm but I slipped past and picked up my pace. I could still feel the cold clamminess of his hand as I opened the door to my house.

Throwing my dirty shoes to the floor, I locked the door and quietly made my way into my small house. I found my mother where she was when I left. She looked up at me weakly from the living room floor and I flinched as she coughed into a cloth. I sat down beside her and observed her weak form. Her bronze skin was covered in a cold sweat and tear streaks showed on her dirt covered face. Her light brown hair was matted to her head in layers and even though she looked so sick her deep green eyes still twinkled when she looked at me.

I smiled softly and began breaking the small loaf of bread into three pieces. I focused hard on breaking the small piece of nourishment as I said to my mother quietly "I'm sorry but this is all I could get today. It's not very much, I know. I can go out later and-" but my mother cut me off. "You've done more than I could have hoped for. Don't worry my dear, we'll be okay." She shot me a gentle smile but I could see the pain in her eyes. The tears she had been shedding earlier were not completely gone from the shining green orbs that I had come to rely on for comfort.

I hesitated and then stood up. I began to make my way towards the small bedroom that my father was staying in. "I'll bring father his share". I explained. I had only taken a few steps when I felt my mother's hand on my leg. Her grip didn't hurt but it was definitely strong. For some reason she didn't want me to go see my father. "Ara" my mother's voice was soft and laced with sadness, "your father, he's..." her voice broke. I turned to face her and she averted her gaze from mine. "Mother" I whispered and took a step closer to her form sitting on the ground. She found the strength to meet my gaze and as we locked eyes she finished her previous thought. "Your father is sleeping. We can give him his share in the morning. Come, have your bedtime drink and get some sleep. You've got to make sure you stay nice and healthy and don't get sick like your dear old parents." She let out a pained and breathy laugh and I placed my father's portion of bread on our small table after wrapping it in a cloth. A small cough escaped from my throat and I picked up the drink my mother had set out for me, chugged it down, and wiped my mouth when I finished. It was a bright green as it always was and as I glanced around our kitchen I noticed it was the last one we had.

I tidied up the kitchen and folded a couple of blankets my mother had discarded. Her coughing and hacking was ever present in the background. When I was satisfied with my cleaning I walked over to my mother and gently tucked the blankets around her frail body. Kissing her head gently and whispering a quiet "goodnight" I headed towards my room. I had protested my mother sleeping on the ground in the living room but she had insisted upon me sleeping in a bed.

It wasn't night time yet, in fact it was only early afternoon. But the rain storms had started and the air outside had become heavy and I couldn't help but yawn. My mother began a coughing fit and I couldn't help but feel like I could've done more for my parents, I should've done more for them. Covering my ears and trying to block out the sounds of my mother's coughing and crying, I repeated quietly in my head "We'll be okay...we'll be okay..." and as a single tear rolled down my cheek I drifted into sleep.

_

Everything was too quiet. The rain had stopped and I could tell by the lack of stray dogs that it wasn't morning yet. I threw my blankets off of my body and sat on the side of my bed, rubbing my eyes. I slipped on my extra pair of shoes and headed out to where my mom was sleeping.

Sleeping.

Sleeping...

Sleeping?

My breath caught in my throat as I took in the sight I was witnessing. Lying where I left her was my mother, blood covering her face and the floor around her; it was unmistakable that it had come from her mouth. The crimson had dried on her now pale face and her hair sat in a tangled mess on top of her head. The wooden floor was laced with scratches and two of her fingernails lay scattered on the floor far away from the bloody tips of her fingers where they used to be. I would've called out for her but there was no doubt that she had died and I was in complete shock at the moment.

In desperation I ran to my father's room and was greeted by a similar sight as to the one of my mother in the living room. My father lay in his bed, blood covering his face, his short black hair a mess atop his head. But his eyes had been closed and his bed sheets made to look neat. It dawned on me that my father must have been dead when I had come back home yesterday and that my mother must have tried to make him look less...hectic. On closer inspection I could see that his hands had been tied to the sides of the bed and raw, bloody circles wrapped around his wrists from what I could only assume were his attempts to escape from this bed.

All at once the image of my father writhing and screaming, like those I had seen in the street, came to me. I could see him lying in this bed and my mind wandered to dark places filled with ear piercing screams of agony. I saw my mother crying outside the room crying as she heard the one she loved suffering and dying. And I saw her lying to me when I came home. I saw her protecting me and keeping me healthy with those stupid potions she tried to disguise as "a healthy drink".

Then I saw my mother dying and crying on that floor, cold and alone with no hope and no one to hold her and the fear of what comes after death. I saw her carving up the floorboards with her fingernails trying to escape an inescapable fate.

I saw my parents dying hopelessly and without meaning.

I became short of breath and I ran back to my room and past my mother's body. I closed my door and slid down with my back to the door. I wanted to cry and scream but no sound escaped me and tears wouldn't leave my eyes. I wanted to go back to sleep and I wanted this nightmare to be over. I wanted everything to seem as okay as it had when I came home yesterday.

When I came home yesterday... But I hadn't come home yesterday and I hadn't brought the bread home yesterday, I had brought it home today. It was still the day I avoided my sick neighbor, still the day my mother had told me my father was "only sleeping", still the day I blocked out the sounds of my mother dying, still the day I was so excited about turning ten. Today was still my birthday.

At this revelation I grabbed my small patched up bag and threw in items at a rapid pace. I didn't care what I was taking, food, clothing, my journal, a small knife; whatever I thought would be at all useful. I avoided the dead eyed glare of my mother's cloudy green eyes as I ran out of the house slamming the door behind me. I ran and ran and ran. I didn't know where I was going or how far I would go but I was leaving this plagued city because I would not let myself die the way my parents did.

I reached the guard line and snuck around the armored elves, making my way slowly away from the place I had grown up. When I was sure the guards wouldn't see me, I began running again. Teurell is a big continent, I was sure I could find somewhere that I could fit in.


	2. Chapter 2: Trees

Chapter 2: Trees

I stood up and wiped the blood from my broken lip. It would be hard to explain this to the headmistress. Just as I was regaining my balance I felt another pair of hands shove me from behind and I stumbled forward, tripping and falling onto my hands and knees. I remained unmoving as I tried to hold back the tears that were threatening to spill from my eyes. My head pounded and every bit of laughter reverberated inside my skull. I couldn't take this anymore.

After around two weeks of running in the forest and dodging wild animals I had finally found a small town. I walked into town and entered a small shop. The shopkeeper there was nice and gave me a change of clothes before introducing me to the headmistress of an orphanage not too far out of town. She took me in and that's where I've been living for the past three years.

I thought that I would find a home at the orphanage, maybe find a family. But all I had found so far was a group of obnoxious kids that hated me because I was a little bit taller than normal and a headmistress who blamed me for the way others treated me.

Today was like any other. I would find somewhere in the forest to sit hoping to stay hidden from the other kids until they were all asleep and I could sneak into a bed. Unfortunately, they had finally found my latest hiding spot and were in the process of having their fun with me. They would kick me and punch and yell names at me. "Your parents probably didn't even die they probably just got rid of you, you freak!" was their favorite insult to throw my way. I couldn't help but think that if they had seen what I saw they would've gone crazy.

Who really knows though, maybe I am crazy?

I waited on the ground until the others got bored and left, muttering about how "the least I could do was participate". When I was satisfied with the lack of footsteps near me I sat up and rubbed the sore spots on my arms and sides. I was glad I could finally be alone and I felt a tear roll down my cheek.

"I...I'm sorry about them." The voice startled me and I jumped a little. Looking towards the source of the voice I was surprised when I met the gaze of one of the newer orphans. He had only been here for a few weeks. I jumped to my feet and backed away from him. He held his gaze with mine and it flashed through my mind that I hadn't seen eyes as blue as his before. He began to speak again "They're...they're just mad at a lot of things and..." he faltered, fiddling nervously with his long black hair.

I stood up straight and he shrunk back. My eyebrows furrowed and I grit my teeth. Rage welled up inside me like the tears welling up in my eyes. "All of our lives are shitty; it doesn't give them the right to make someone else's life worse." I thought I would yell but it came out as more of a growl. I clenched my fists, waiting for the boy's response. But it wasn't what I was expecting.

"I know and I'm sorry. I'll try and tell them-" but I cut him off.

"I don't need your help. I don't need anyone's help. I didn't even want to come to this stupid place anyway. I would've rather died out in the woods than have to suffer here for three years". I snapped at him and didn't quite mean to sound as harsh as I had, but that didn't mean I regretted it.

We stared at each other for a while as silence engulfed us and we seemed to fight each other with our eyes. Then, I saw something behind his eyes break and he turned and walked back to the orphanage without a word.

I stood there motionless, surprised at his lack of any parting acknowledgment. Without my control, I began to shake. My hands seemed to vibrate at high speeds and my stomach tried to climb its way out of my throat. I fell to my knees and stared at my hands as my sight began to blur with tears. A pressure began building up inside my skull and I couldn't help but hope it would just burst now and make everything easier for me.

I came to the revelation that I either had to be alone or not be here at all. I couldn't empathize with others after witnessing the brutal sight that was my parents' dead bodies. That boy was trying to help me, he was trying to make me feel better and he was trying to fix my problem. But what did I do? I snapped at him and I was rude to him and I drove him away.

I couldn't shake the feeling that I would drive everyone away. I lost myself in my own thoughts. Dark spots clouded my vision and soon I was enveloped in darkness.

I could feel myself choking but I felt like I was in an empty abyss. Everything was nothing and I couldn't feel myself. I was floating in nothing and my body was gone. But it wasn't too bad, and nobody missed me. Nobody would miss me.

I woke up in a cold sweat and gasped for air. I was expecting to find nothing but I felt cool air fill my lungs. I looked around myself and was met with the sights and sounds of a forest at night. Did I fall asleep out here? Judging by the position of the moon it was around 3 in the morning. No one had come for me. I could be dead and no one would even know.

I was filled with a sudden burst of anger and decided settling down wasn't my thing. I ran back to the orphanage. As I ran into the large building I was careless and slammed the doors open. I saw as lamps began to turn on but I was set on my path. I grabbed what little I owned from my second floor room and made my way back down the stairs.

Children walked out of their rooms, holding candles and rubbing their sleep filled eyes. I simply pushed past them and out the front doors. As I walked away, I took a quick look back at what could've been a home. I caught a glimpse of the kids who had bullied me and who seemingly had no care for what happened to me. My mouth wriggled into a crooked smirk and I turned around, cupping my hands around my mouth and yelling "HAVE A NICE LIFE JERKS!" I let out a laugh and backed up a few steps before turning around and walking into the forest.

I was happy to be alone and I was overjoyed to be back in the forest. My mind wandered to the young boy with the piercing blue eyes who had tried to help me. He'll be fine, I assured myself. I was happy to be gone from that place but I couldn't pretend that I didn't feel the tears making their way down my cheeks as I walked alone into the trees.


	3. Chapter 3: Wolves and Lutes

Chapter 3: Wolves and Lutes

It wasn't long before I began to feel weak. Being thirteen and alone in a vast and dangerous forest wasn't easy. I spent the nights in trees and spent my days moving slowly along the ground trying my best to not draw any attention to myself. But these three weeks felt like another three years.

I knew the woods were dangerous; I had grown up in them. But I had never been alone as I was now. My mother or father would always be with me, telling me what berries to eat and what plants to avoid stepping in, and we always got home before dark. Or did we?

These days I found my memories slipping. I could barely remember my parents faces and their last name-my last name-eluded me. I just couldn't remember for the life of me.

Maybe it was the exhaustion or maybe it was something I ate but my memory was not what it once was.

Regardless, how well I could remember names didn't affect my survival. I stooped down to pick up a handful of red berries I recognized as edible. I shoved the handful into my mouth all at once and I could feel the juices spread across my chin and around my mouth. I wondered if I vaguely looked like my parents when I found them that night.

I shook the thought from my head with a quick slap to my right temple and continued my trek through the trees.

I adjusted my bag on my shoulder and looked up at the sky through the small holes between branches and leaves. Today was a bright blue day. The sky held pastel colors and thin white clouds wove their way across the expanse of open air. I absentmindedly began wondering what flying would feel like.

SNAP!

The breaking of a branch behind me tore me from my thoughts. Instinctively I jumped to a tree and stood with my back pressed to the rough trunk.

I listened intently and after a few seconds heard a heavy breathing from only a few feet away. I sucked in a large amount of breath and held it, hoping desperately I wouldn't be noticed.

Ten minutes passed and everything was silent. I thought it best that I should try my chances and look around. Mustering up as much courage as I could, I slipped towards the opposite side of the tree.

I was met by the face of a gigantic wolf only a foot from my own. My eyes widened as the creature seemed to smile, its hot breath soaking my face. I began trembling as I tried reaching for my small knife but the animal jumped at my movement and I only just jumped out of the way when it lunged and caught its teeth in the trunk of the tree where I had been seconds before.

I began running as fast as I could, looking for any tree I could climb quickly but in my panic I couldn't pinpoint any. Shortly after I began running I already felt the pounding of large padded feet behind me. This is it, I thought, this is where I die. The thought didn't hit me as hard as I thought it would. My pace began to slow and I turned to face the large wolf that would soon be my escape.

Suddenly an arrow pierced the beasts hide and it howled in pain. Turning its attention from me to an unknown source, the wolf walked off growling and trying to find the one that had hurt it.

I shook off my feeling of giving up with another slap to the head and began backing away slowly. A swift pair of hands grabbed me by my waist and over my mouth. It took a few seconds to get rid of the surprise and that's when I started struggling.

I felt myself get pulled behind a fallen log and a figure appeared before me. It was a young elf, probably no older than 150 years old. He had platinum blonde hair that hung past his shoulders and sat delicately across his face. His features were soft and his green eyes held a gentleness that reminded me of my mothers.

He shot me a soft smile and held his finger to his lips signaling me to stay silent. I nodded and within a second he had jumped over the log and attacked the giant wolf with a short sword. He jumped on its back and I was in awe of his bravery. That's when I noticed the others.

In the short amount of time that I had been hidden behind this log it seemed that more people had emerged from the trees and were attacking the now overwhelmed wolf. I saw a dwarven man smashing at the legs of the wolf with a hammer; the young elf that hid me was facing the creature head on and stabbing towards its snout. A taller boy who looked somewhat like an elf was giving orders to a smaller wolf that was biting and jumping on its larger counterpart. From an unknown place in the trees arrows seemed to sprout from branches and imbed themselves in the giant wolves hide. Streaks of light also shot from unknown places in the trees and caused the wolf to scream out in pain every time one hit it. Amongst all of the larger creatures a very small being, a gnome I believe, was hitting the wolf in the sides with a small mace of some kind. Her bright pink hair stood out against the greens of the forest. I was in awe as I watched the group work in perfect unison.

In a few seconds the dwarf swung his hammer down onto the wolves head and with a sickening crack it fell limp to the ground, however not before the dwarf was splattered across his entire body with a healthy amount of blood. He let out a hearty laugh and I furrowed my brows in confusion. These people were happy that something died in a painful way?

"Oh Dusdreal, that's disgusting. Let me clean you off". The voice came from an elf who stepped out of the trees. They had shoulder length white hair and a very pale complexion. They were adorned in blue, white and grey clothing that was so clean it almost hurt my eyes to look at it. This elf didn't look like they fit in with anyone else, as all of the others were dressed in simple clothing of browns and greens, even the elf that just stepped out of the forest, seemingly out of nowhere, and returned a bow to his back.

"I'm sorry Sylleth but I can't let ye do that. This is my new cologne." The dwarf let out another laugh as the white haired elf looked at him in disgust.

The gnome spoke next "I'll let you clean me off, Sylleth". The elf, whose name I now assumed was Sylleth, rolled his eyes and crossed his arms.

"Now, now, behave yourselves, children. We have a guest after all" the young elf who hid me spoke up. All at once every person there looked my way. I shrunk behind the log a little bit. After all I didn't know any of these people and after seeing them brutally murder a creature without any remorse I had no idea if I could trust them. The elf continued "let's get to know each other a little bit better, okay?"

_

The Outcasts were a nice group of people. After saving me in the forest from what they called a "dire wolf" they all introduced themselves.

The half-elf with the wolf was named Andrew. He didn't talk to me much but he did let me ride his wolf when I got tired. The dwarf, who was still covered in dried blood hours after that first encounter, was named Dusdreal. He struck me as a crude person but as soon as he learned of my age he was very sweet and even let Sylleth clean the blood off of him. Sylleth was a moon elf and he showed me some beautiful magic that involved ice. I didn't understand it but I appreciated it. The one with the bow didn't speak to me much as he was focused on making sure we followed the right path, but I learned his name was Erevan and he gave me a scarf in case I got cold. The gnome with pink hair was a cleric named Phibi. Like Dusdreal, she had a crude aura to her but she was also very motherly.

The one I liked the most was Onas, the wood elf who hid me. He told me that he was a bard and he gave me his old lute in hopes I would play it. He had a way of getting me to talk and I spilled my heart out to him. "I just don't know how I can live on like a regular elf" I finished.

He nodded and thought for a moment. The group walked in silence and I could tell all of them had heard my story. My cheeks began to heat up and I shrunk into the scarf Erevan had given me earlier. Onas caught my attention when he cracked a small smile. I looked at him in confusion but he just looked to the sky that was now splattered with stars and his face was strangely beautiful illuminated by only the moonlight.

"Well Ara," Onas began "I don't quite know what to tell you, but I will say this: pain is temporary, scars are forever, but scars aren't necessarily a bad thing".

I averted my gaze from his face and looked to the ground. There was so much truth and emotion in his words even though they were so simple. I felt as if he were holding my hand and guiding me through all of the self pitying I had been trapped in for the past few weeks.

Onas's voice snapped me out of my thoughts. "Ara I have a proposition for you. My brother teaches at a monastery about a week's travel from here. I want you to go there and live with him. Traveling with an adventuring party is no sort of life for a child. You'll like it there, I know you will. You can train and grow up to be strong and then maybe one day you can travel with us." He finished with a smirk and a cocked eyebrow. My face heated up again and I mumbled out "Yes. I would like that very much".

Onas's face lit up even more under the moonlight and he grabbed his lute and began strumming.

_

In three days we met a body of water which we crossed in a day in a magical boat Sylleth conjured somehow, to the large island adjacent the coast. After another three days we reached the monastery on top of a small hill where Onas's brother lived. Its wooden sign read 'Calluna's Home for Lost Souls' and the well tended gardens told me whoever was living here was likely to be very competent.

Onas left us outside as he retrieved his brother from the monastery and apparently explained the circumstances to him on the walk out. So with a single hug to each party member, I watched as the people I had grown much attached to part from me. As I was walked back to the wooden building I would now be calling my home, I was left without the knowledge of whether or not I would ever see the people I considered as my family ever again.


	4. Chapter 4: Sunset

Chapter 4: Sunset

Almost ninety years into training and I still couldn't win against by mentor in hand to hand combat. At first, Durlan was almost a spitting image of his brother Onas. But I found out soon enough that the twenty years of experience Durlan had over Onas changed their personalities drastically.

Onas was carefree and willing to try anything while Durlan was very wise and stuck to what he knew he could do. Luckily for him, he could fight very well.

We had just finished our latest sparing session and I had lost once again. "Don't look so discouraged Ara, you're getting better. Soon you'll be surpassing me". Durlan tried to encourage me but I couldn't shake the feeling I would never be able to become as good of a monk as I should be.

I tightened my ponytail of black hair and stretched out my hands, feeling the muscles and bones move inside of them. My fists were deadly weapons, I just wasn't sure I could use them as such. I didn't know if I could bring myself to bring pain to others.

Durlan sighed and stretched upwards, his short blonde hair softly framing his features.

"Can't we just spend today meditating? I'm off my game right now" I complained.

Durlan looked at me with a quizzical look but nodded nonetheless. Together we walked a few minutes to a small grove of trees just outside of the monastery gardens. Durlan sat down crossing his legs and I joined him on the ground, taking my place to his right side.

I placed my hands on my knees and inhaled deeply. I gazed at the morning sky for a few seconds before closing my eyes and focusing on the thoughts bothering my internal harmony. I could've been a great monk if I didn't let things get to me so easily. My right hand clenched on my knee as I fought the urge to slap my thoughts out of my head. No, I thought, I need to deal with this if I have any hopes of getting better.

It was true I was off my game; I had been for over a week now. Nine or so days ago, the monastery had a new member. A younger elf that looked strangely familiar to me. It wasn't until he introduced himself to me that I recognized the piercing blue eyes that snuck their way into my dreams every so often. Ever since that day I haven't been able to practice fighting without memories of the orphanage resurfacing. It didn't help that I couldn't tell whether he recognized me or not.

I inhaled again and remembered the night I left. How happy I felt, how great it felt to leave that place and all of the wonderful things that leaving had caused. After all, if I hadn't left the orphanage I never would've met Durlan and become so close to him. At this point in my life he was my family and he was everything I cared about.

I let out a slow exhale and imagined myself expelling all of my negative feelings. As I did so, the neighboring sounds of the forest invading my mind and I was filled with an inner calmness that I only felt in the forest or while playing the lute.

Durlan and I stayed meditating for hours and when I finally felt his hand gently touch my shoulder to signal me to open my eyes; I was met with an afternoon sun.

"We should go back. Supper will be served soon and you can't skip another meal." Durlan stood and offered me his hand. However, I wasn't in the mood to see anyone else right now.

"It's alright Durlan; I'm going to stay here a little bit longer. Please don't feel the need to stay with me. I'll be alright". I gave him the smallest of smiles and pleaded with my eyes for him to let me have this moment alone.

I saw concern in his eyes but he let out an exasperated sigh before bowing his head in defeat. He mustered up a smile and bowed to me. I returned his bow with a tilt of my head and I watched as he walked back to the monastery.

I turned back to face the wide expanse of forest surrounding the monastery and straightened my posture. I closed my eyes once again and began my breathing exercises.

Only a few minutes into my meditation I heard a snap come from near me. I went stiff and focused myself on hearing any sort of movement near my location.

I heard light footfall coming from just left of me and I sprang up, grabbing the persons arm and bending it behind their back with incredible speed. It wasn't until I heard the whimpering and a plea of innocence that I realized it was the blue eyed boy, Rogan was his name.

I reluctantly let go of his arm but kept myself poised for defense. I had no idea why he was here but I wasn't taking any chances. It occurred to me briefly that I was probably being too paranoid but I couldn't shake thoughts right now without looking crazy.

"I'm sorry Ara. When I asked Durlan where you were he said you were out here meditating. I thought I would come find you instead of waiting for you to return to Calluna's." He let out a breathy laugh and rubbed the back of his neck.

I loosened my stance and straightened up. My face was deadpan. What the hell did this kid think he was doing?

"What do you want" I pried dryly.

"I just," he hesitated, "I wanted to say it was nice to see you again. I still remember you from the orphanage and to be honest I was hoping I would meet you again someday. And here we are!" He smiled widely at me.

I cocked my head to left slightly. Rogan really was new here. I could tell he had little to no discipline and decided to play along with this conversation he was trying to have.

"Yeah, here we are. Do you need anything from me or did you just feel the need to socialize with me?" I questioned.

"Oh, um, yes. I actually wanted to ask you what tradition you were in. I'm going to be joining the monks who control the four elements."

Did I really want to tell this kid anything about myself? Did he have some other, hidden intentions? Then again, how dangerous could he really be? "I haven't decided yet but I'll probably follow Durlan's tradition. The way of the open palm" I answered.

I saw Rogan's smile waver and his eyes seemed to darken. Unless I was mistaken he looked disappointed. But in a split second he was back to being a beacon of light. "Do you mind if I sit and talk with you a while?"

I was taken aback by his question. "Oh, um, sure." I sat down and he sat to my left. We talked for some time and the buzzing in the back of my head telling me to avoid him calmed itself until my mind sat in a comfortable uneasiness. Our conversations flowed and changed like air currents, picking up and slowing down without once faltering. Only when the sun began to stain the sky with its colors did Rogan stand and announce his leave.

He waved a goodbye and I nodded in response. The quiet that followed his absence was uncomfortable but not unwelcome. I decided to stay the night out here as I had done many times before. Once again, I assumed my meditation position and began pushing out my thoughts, the last of which being that I may have found a friend in Rogan. I small smile crept onto my lips as I detached myself from my troubles.

_

My first thought after opening my eyes was that the sky was more orange than usual at sunset. Only after feeling an uncomfortable heat at my back did I realize the orange in the sky was from the sparking fire consuming the trees around me.

I sprang to my feet in surprise as I tried to make sense of my situation. Everything was on fire, the beautiful greens trees I used to run through were charcoal black and crumbling, and the crashing sounds of them falling over echoed around me. The skies were clogged with ash.

How long has this been going on? With sudden realization, I ran as fast as I could back to my monastery. As I reached the front I saw the sign smoldering on the ground, only the words "Lost Souls" were now visible as the other words had been burned away.

I was not prepared for the sight that was waiting for me upon entering the monastery grounds. My eyes tried to adjust to the colors before me, all I could see were oranges and reds and yellows as fire consumed every flammable thing in the area. Monks that I had grown up with lay dead or unconscious on the ground as others fought each other.

To my horror, I came to the revelation that the followers of the four elements were responsible for this attack and was most likely the ones who started the fire. I could see cloaked figures performing moves I recognized as the elemental tradition and saw unconscious members of my monastery being dragged off by the cloaked figures into the forest. From what I could tell they were all followers of the elements.

A scream from a familiar voice pierced my ears. It was unmistakably Durlan's voice. To my right, around fifty feet away, was Durlan fighting two cloaked figures. I couldn't make out their faces but judging by their fighting style they were elemental monks. They fought mercilessly against the man I had come to love. I saw his eyes flash with ki energy as he used his inner strength to try and get the upper hand but the two he was fighting wouldn't relent.

My hands began to tremble as I fought an internal struggle. I needed to help Durlan but I didn't want to hurt anyone. I had gone though enough pain to know I didn't want to inflict that on anyone else. Falling into my impulses, I smacked the side of my head to shake out any thoughts of cowardice and began running to help the man who helped me.

I was only ten feet away when the one figure shot a blast of fire into Durlan's back. He fell to his hands and knees, charred and coughing up blood. The figure who dealt that blow on my mentor said something to the other figure before running off towards the monastery.

I had no time to wonder what they were up to, I had to help Durlan. Running at top speed I smashed my fist into the side of the head of the lone monk standing over the broken body of Durlan.

The figure recoiled instinctually from my punch and their hood fell down from their head revealing a face I knew too well.

We stood with our eyes locked in silent conversation; mine filled with anger and his filled with a sadness that only made his blue eyes brighter, creating an even greater contrast with the orange flames surrounding us. "How could you" I growled. "These people did nothing wrong and you just decide to murder them all? What does it feel like to be a monster?"

His soft and sad gaze turned to one of determination. He set his jaw and spoke with a voice much more serious and hard than I was used to. "Listen, Ara. You don't have much time. You need to get out of here if you want to live. They'll kill you. They'll kill anyone who doesn't follow their ways. I'm telling you this because I care about you-" a small explosion in the background made him flinch. He looked off into the distance before turning his gaze back to me. "Please just leave." And with that he ran off towards the figure that had disappeared only moments before.

A cough caught my attention and I turned towards Durlan. He had rolled into his back and was coughed up blood, the sound of the crimson fluid gurgling in throat almost drowned out all of the other sounds around me. I was supposed to leave but how could I leave him? I knelt down beside his burnt body and began to panic. I couldn't do anything. I could try carrying him out of here but would he survive that long? I needed to try. I began to slide my arms under his frail body but he put a hand to my chest.

"Ara...please leave me. I won't be able to get out of here alive and my body will only slow you down." His voice was rougher than it used to be and the cracks in his voice, a voice that used to be so smooth and soft, seemed to crack something inside me.

"I'm not leaving you, idiot. Stop being a wimp and let me pick you up." I reached back down to wrap my arm under his torso but he grabbed my hand before I could do so.

"Ara you're the idiot. There's no saving me. I tried my best but my best wasn't good enough. Promise me you'll stay alive for me?" His voice was so desperate I almost couldn't believe it was him talking.

Tears began falling from my eyes and I hastily wiped them away with my free hand. "I don't need to promise you anything. You'll be with me to make sure I don't die. You can't die Durlan. We'll survive together, remember? We'll always be together."

The last thing I expected was to see Durlan smile. "I'm glad to see you've still got determination in your heart. Please don't lose that. I'll miss talking to you every day. Be good for me and promise me you'll find Onas and tell him what happened to me. I can't stand the thought of him never knowing. You need to get out of here and not only stay alive for me but for Onas too. Can you do that for me? Please Ara..." His voice broke when he said my name again. I saw a tear roll down his cheek and he winced when it hit a particularly raw burn spot on his cheek.

I mustered up what was left of my voice and responded. "Of course, I'd do anything for you. You saved me, this is the least I could do for you" I lowered my head and whispered "I just wish I could do more to help you. I can't...I don't know what to do after this."

Durlan reached up and cupped my face with his free hand. He let out a teary laugh through a broken smile. "Ara I know you'll be able to move on from this. You're stronger than you think you are. Just don't doubt yourself and you could rule the world." He pulled my head down close to his and I laid it down on his chest. His heartbeat was faint.

When he spoke next his voice was almost a whisper "Ara...I can't hear anything anymore. I hope I'm still here and you can hear me because I forgot to tell you something. I love you and I've placed all my best on you. Please don't prove me wrong." I felt him kiss the top of my head weakly.

I lifted my head to look in his eyes which were filled with tears at this point. When he saw that I heard him he smiled for the last time before a choking sound came from his throat, his body shook and his eyes rolled into the back of his head. An image of my parents flashed in the back of my mind.

He was dead, gone.

I reached towards his neck and felt for the necklace he always wore. I found the leather string and pulled it gently from around his neck. I closed his eyes and stood up. I bowed to him one last time and began running to the tree where I hid all of my things. I could only hope that wasn't gone too.

As I ran I looked back to see a tree fall and smash a hole in the roof of the monastery. Not only had I lost my family again today, I lost my home too. I pulled the leather necklace with the small bird pendant over my head and around my neck and continued running.

By the time I reached the tree with my belongings I was sobbing. I threw my bag over my shoulder and grabbed my lute then continued running. I decided at this moment I wasn't a kid anymore. No more Ara, I couldn't stand hearing that name anymore. I also decided to finally give myself a surname that would let me remember this moment. And so I decided to abandon my past self and become stronger and better able to protect those I love. I quickened my pace as much as I could. I didn't want to see what I would do to one of those elemental monks if they found me in this moment.

Once again I had no idea where I was going and I had nowhere to go. All I knew is that I would one day make sure those bright blue eyes went dark by my hands.


	5. Chapter 5: Barstools

Chapter 5: Barstools

I opened my eyes to face a day that I didn't want to live. I had no reason to get out of bed but I did so out of habit anyway.

I pulled my clothes on and wrapped my belt around my waist sheathing my two shortswords into their corresponding scabbards. I didn't quite know why I was equipping myself with weapons; I had quit my Beast Patrol job weeks ago after my best friend died.

I couldn't catch a break when it came to relationships. It was only two months ago that Durlan died in my arms. Within three days of leaving the burning monastery I came across a fairly large Teurellian city. As I approached the members of one of the Beast Patrol Scouts groups found me and brought me in. They offered me a job with them. I accepted.

They placed me with a single other person, an elven ranger named Ophelia. She accepted me into her home and trained me in the ways of her profession. She was considered one of the best patrollers they had ever had.

Over the next month and I half we became very close friends and I couldn't help but begin to become infatuated with her, though I never would've let her know that. We lived together for about a month and a half and I found happiness and comfort in her presence. Her company became the thing that I looked forward to each day.

It was a simple patrol the day she died. We were simply hunting down a grizzly bear that had become too bothersome to the people on the outskirts of the city. Through a series of unfortunate encounters we found ourselves trying to outrun a pack of wolves before coming upon a small ravine. Ophelia misjudged the distance and managed to break her ankle trying to jump to the other side. While we escaped the wolves it was certain that it would've been hard to get back to the city.

A few hours later, after I had made a makeshift splint for Ophelia's ankle, we came across the bear that we had been hunting previously. However, we weren't informed that it was actually two young male grizzly bears. Ophelia and I took one bear each. I managed to down my opponent but not before I heard Ophelia scream and then hear that scream get cut off. I turned to her just in time to see the bear's jaws around her throat. Blood poured from her mouth and her eyes were blank. It shook her body and then dropped it carelessly on the ground before it rounded on me.

I didn't want to think about what that bear looked like after I was finished with it. Needless to say it wouldn't be bothering the city's citizens anymore.

I carried my best friends limp body back to her parents. They cried and I just left. I didn't return to the house Ophelia and I had shared, without her there was no reason for me to go back. I went back to the Beast Patrol Scouts headquarters and told them what happened before informing them that I was quitting.

I had been renting this room in a small tavern for a week now. My funds were slowly dwindling but my head wasn't clear enough to try and look for a job.

I walked over to the window and looked out at the streets. I couldn't shake the image of Ophelia's dead body from my mind and tears began brimming in my eyes. I hastily unbuckled my belt and let it drop to ground with a dull thud and I forcefully wiped the tears from my eyes.

I can't sit in my room alone anymore. I thought to myself. Inhaling deeply, I headed out my door and down the stairs to the tavern. I didn't drink but I just needed to be around people and away from myself.

_

It was almost night time now. I hadn't moved from my table all day. I just kept ordering water over and over, flipping a copper piece or two to the waiter every time he brought me a glass.

I had seen many people enter and exit the bar. Some came to remember something, some came to complain or boast loudly about things. Others seemed like myself, drinking to forget something they didn't want haunting them anymore. I mildly wished I could drink but I had made a personal vow not to.

One man entered and sat at the table near mine. We spoke with each other for a while before he took his leave. It surprised me when he thanked me for talking with him, but I guess we both just needed someone to talk to because I thanked him as well.

It was nearly dark now and the waiter brought me another glass of water. This time however, he sat down across from me and took off his apron.

"Don't you need to serve the other customers?" I asked. Looking around I could only see one other customer in the tavern and he looked like he was passed out, a pool of drool originated from his gaping mouth.

"I'm off of work now." The man answered. "I'm Ellisar Stormwater by the way. You've been here all day. Why?" He placed his elbows on the table, linked his fingers together, and placed his chin on them, looking at me expectantly.

I swallowed. "I just needed to get out of my own head and it's hard to do that when you're alone in a room. Oh, and I'm Arya Blackwood. It's nice to meet you Ellisar." I smiled weakly at him. He nodded briefly and glanced over to the sleeping customer across the room.

"Well Arya, we're closing up the bar for the night. Would you mind helping me put the barstools up on the counter?" He asked. I nodded in response and we headed over to the bar.

We put the stools on the counter in silence and when we had finished I began pulling out some coins from my coin pouch to pay for my room that night. Ellisar noticed what I was doing and smiled. Shaking his head, he said "Don't worry, the rooms on me tonight. Sleep well." And with a wave he entered the back room and I stood in quiet shock.

A snort from the sleeping customer brought me back to reality and I walked up into my room. I slid under the covers and closed my eyes to sleep, and for the first time in a week I didn't have nightmares.

_

I looked into Ellisar's bright hazel eyes as he brought me a bowl of soup and I smiled. As I lay in bed, a cough racked my body. He sat in the chair beside the bed and fed me the soup. It warmed my throat and eased my stomach somewhat.

After the day we first met I kept going back to the tavern for the whole day. He talked to me every day and kept paying for my room when I told him I was low on funds. I felt guilty about this man I barely knew paying for me so I went back to the Beast Patrol Scouts headquarters and asked for my job back. They accepted me and I began to work for them again.

A year after meeting Ellisar we got married. I moved in with him and we led a happy life. A month after our marriage, I found out I was pregnant. However, two weeks after we got the exciting news I began to throw up too much and a high fever struck me.

When we consulted a cleric they said it was normal for someone who was recently pregnant to get sick. I was advised to stay in bed until I got better. Ellisar insisted upon being my caretaker and I couldn't have loved him more.

Not only did he keep me alive physically but he also kept me mentally stable. For a while when we first met I would suffer panic attacks as well as other sorts of attacks on a regular basis. But after seeing him and talking to him everyday those attacks happened less and less until they were virtually non-existent.

When I finished my soup Ellisar and I talked for a while. He held my hand the entire time and I had never been so happy to be with someone. After all of the people I lost in the past, having Ellisar here was like a blessing from the gods that I could never be thankful enough for.

I began to feel tired and drifted off into sleep still holding Ellisar's hand.

_

The sickness I had contacted spread throughout the city in a manner of weeks. In that time I had gotten worse and worse. Due to his constant close proximity to me Ellisar got sick fairly quickly. We were moved to a quarantine zone in the city where we were housed in small tents. Looking at my own symptoms and the symptoms of others I came to the conclusion that this wasn't a sickness caused by my pregnancy but it was in fact the same disease that swept through my home town and killed both of my parents.

Being not even two months into my pregnancy I searched for anyway to save my child. I found none but I never stopped my search.

One night I was woken up in the middle of the night to a gurgling sound that chilled my bones. Looking to my left I saw Ellisar choking on his own blood. His hands were rigid and he had grabbed the sides of his face, bloody claw marks from his own fingers laced his cheeks. He was trying to scream but he couldn't make any noise through the blood that flooded his mouth, esophagus and lungs.

I panicked and turned him onto his side, trying to let the blood escape his throat but there was too much of it and I was too late. He let out one more choking noise as he rolled himself onto his back and stroked the side of my face with a blood covered hand.

As I reached up to hold it I felt the slippery wetness of his blood cover my palm and the heat coming from his hand only made me feel colder.

He looked into my eyes as a tear ran down his cheek and he looked so helpless and so much like Durlan when he died. The light left his eyes and I was once again left alone. "Don't leave me, don't leave me, please don't leave me alone again." I pleaded, but it was useless. He was gone.

I dropped his hand and pulled my knees up to my chest and began crying. I was alone again. If only I had been quicker, smarter, better...then maybe I could've saved him. Maybe I could've saved everyone I had loved if only I was better.

As my sobs turned to wails, coughs shook my body and I felt my lungs begin to fill up with blood. I knew I was dying, that I would be dead soon, maybe within a matter of minutes. I stood shakily and stumbled out of my tent, coughing as blood ran down my chin.

I looked around frantically for someone that could help me or at least help my child. My eyes wide with fear, I came to the realization that everyone here was just as sick as I was. There wasn't any help.

And suddenly I was ten years old again and I was running away from my dead parents. But this time I couldn't escape the disease that had destroyed me from such a young age.

I stumbled and fell onto my face. I rolled onto my back and the blood clogged my throat and began to make its way into my nose. This was it. How ironic that this plague I had been so lucky to escape when I was a child would come back again and take my life.

As I looked at the stars over Teurell and my vision began to blur, the voices of all my dead loved ones called to me. They were all speaking in unison but I could pick out each voice. I couldn't understand them but it gave me a feeling of warmth and elatedness. I laughed a little but I'm sure anyone that heard me would've only heard the gurgling of blood.

Finally, as my vision became darker and darker I saw Onas's face above my own. It was blurry and he looked scared and worried. I remembered what Durlan asked of me before he died. I'm sorry I couldn't tell you, I thought to myself. Onas's face faded away and I was left looking at the sky.

It was nice seeing a vision of my old friends face before I left this world. I began to feel myself being lifted from my body and as my vision went black, I fell unconscious.


	6. Chapter 6: Old Friends, New Beginnings

Chapter 6: Old Friends and New Beginnings

To my dismay, I opened my eyes.

I hurriedly sucked in a breath to fill my lungs that had somehow emptied themselves. My vision was covered in spots leaving me unable to make out details of the face that was situated above mine. I lay on my back, gulping in air. I noticed that for the first time in a while my stomach didn't pain me.

As my vision cleared a familiar face came into focus. My eyes widened as I took in his features. Long, platinum blonde hair hanging down as he looked at me from above, green eyes glistening with tears, and a soft face that anyone would feel an impulse to trust at first glance. Sitting above me was Onas.

When he saw that I was awake and noticed my look of recognition, his face scrunched up and he began to cry. I felt his arm wrap around my back and lift me onto his lap. He wrapped his arms around me tightly and cried into my shoulder. I hugged back gingerly, still in shock.

"Oh Ara, I knew it was you. I saw you on the ground there and...I thought you were gone" he laughed through his sobs and I tightened my grip around him.

"Why are you here?" I asked quietly.

Still through tears Onas replied "The King hired any adventuring group with a cleric to visit plagued cities and do their best to heal people. Phibi is the reason we're here and she's the reason you're alive. Ara I'm so glad-"

"It's Arya now. I left Ara behind when..." I faltered. Was now the time to tell him that Durlan died? I guess now was as good as ever. I don't believe there is ever really a good time to tell someone that a person they loved is gone. "Durlan, he-"

Onas pulled away from me and smiled sadly. "I know. We went to visit a year ago and found the place burned down. It was too late for Phibi's skills to bring him back. It's alright Ara-" he saw me flinch and corrected himself "sorry, Arya." He let out a quiet laugh. "That'll take some getting used to." He smiled and I couldn't help but smile a little in return.

"You know what," I said "you guys can call me Ara. I'm okay with that." His face lit up and he hugged me again.

Suddenly I remembered something, or, more accurately, someone. I pulled away from the hug and began running towards the tent I shared with Ellisar. "Ara? What's going on?" I heard Onas call to me as I left. The sound of his feet running along the soft earth behind me reached my ears but I kept running.

I reached my tent and was out of breath. I didn't know why, I could run for hours and not get tired. I felt a small hand on mine and looked down to see the comforting face of my old friend Phibi.

"Ara you really should sit down. You were just brought back to life after all." She pulled my hand down and I sat reluctantly. "Now, I'm just going to check some-"

"Phibi please can you help that man. He's my husband, I just...I need him to be okay." I interrupted, pointing inside my tent. She looked at me quizzically, then towards the tent opening and then back at me. She nodded "I'll try" and entered the tent.

I leaned my head back and took a breath. As I sat there I noticed a group of figures walk up and sit around me. When I mustered up the strength to look around I saw some faces I recognized and two that I didn't. Around me sat the smiling faces of Dusdreal, Onas, Erevan, Andrew, and Sylleth as well as two human females that were looking at me quizzically.

When I returned their gaze the brunette in armor smiled and waved. She began to speak "Hi. You're Ara right? We've heard a lot about you. Mostly from this jerk" she motioned to Onas and he blushed softly. "Anyway, I'm Andrea and I fight stuff. This is Darcie" she pointed to the very pretty blonde girl to her right who waved gingerly and then looked off into the distance. "She doesn't like to talk much but she can steal pretty much anything." Andrea continued. "We joined the Outcasts a month ago. It's nice to meet you." She smiled wider and looked at me expectantly.

I returned a soft smile and replied "It's nice to meet you too. Too bad it couldn't have been in better circumstances." I covered my mouth as a cough escaped my lungs.

At that moment Phibi exited the tent and looked at me solemnly. "I'm sorry Ara. He's been gone for too long. There's nothing I could do. I'm too weak from saving you and helping other people. I'm so sorry." Her usually bright pink hair that stood up crazily on top of her head seemed to dull as she hung her head.

I should've been mad, I should've been crying and yelling but I had become so accustomed to people dying I just couldn't muster up any more emotion. "It's alright Phibi. Don't blame yourself."

At that moment a sharp pain occurred in my lower abdomen and a keeled over in pain, holding my stomach. In seconds Phibi was at my side. "Ara" she said quietly "are you pregnant? When I brought you back I felt another presence but I couldn't be sure." I nodded and she ran over to Andrea and said something I couldn't hear.

Andrea stood and walked over to me. She picked me up that way Ellisar had on our wedding day and I felt a pang of sadness remembering how much of a happy bride I was. What am I now?

Andrea explained to me that they were bringing me to a clean and warm place to try and get my child out. I panicked. I wasn't ready. The baby wasn't ready.

I told Phibi so when I was placed on a bed in a room in an abandoned tavern. She looked at me with dark eyes "Ara you were sick, very sick and you were under stress for a long time. I'm sorry to say this but there is almost no chance your child is still alive and there is absolutely no chance it will stay alive in your womb. If we don't get it out now it will kill you. Are you ready?" I nodded, tears spilling from my eyes.

I had no idea how long the process lasted but it felt like eternity and when I was over all I got was the vaguely elven form of my child, bloody and naked, wrapped in an old handkerchief. I held it and cried. I wasn't even as large as my hand.

Everyone left me to grieve alone, except Onas who sat on the bed beside me and stroked my hair. It was comforting and I was glad he was with me. I needed someone there and I was glad he didn't try to talk. I didn't think I could form words at the moment.

I knew I would never be the same. Already, I was feeling more closed off. What was yet to come, I had no idea.

When I finally got the courage to leave my bed, Onas and I left the tavern and he led me to a large tree in the forest where I was met with two holes in the ground and the rest of the Outcasts waiting for me. One hole was the size of an adult elf, the other the size of a small jewelry box.

I was confused for a second until I saw a body wrapped in cloth. I didn't need to look to know it was Ellisar. I thanked Phibi silently with my eyes and she nodded back in response.

Andrea and Dusdreal carefully lowered Ellisar into his grave and I placed my child into the small grave. We covered the bodies and I knelt in front of them. Silently saying everything I wanted to say but couldn't say to them.

Onas played a quiet, sad song on his lute that I recognized as a sending off song that called for the gods to take their dead souls peacefully to a better place.

I stood and walked to the tree. I took out a small dagger and carved the elven ruins for "My Loves" into the trunk above the graves. I looked to the ground as I noticed flowers begin to grow in the newly upturned dirt and I looked to Andrew as he made multitudes of coral-bells spring up at my feet and the surrounding area. I smiled at him and then looked at the group around me. "Let's go." I said and everyone nodded silently in my direction.

For the first time in my life I was at peace with the deaths of those close to me. For the first time in my life I had been able to tie up all the loose ends. For the first time in my life I wasn't running away from the dead. For the first time in my life, I felt okay.

_

I looked out at the sprawling landscape of trees that was Teurell. I never could've imagined that I would be leaving that place. But after spending nearly a hundred years there, the original outcasts decided it was time to explore something new.

After spending a few years traveling in Teurell with the Outcasts we all decided to leave. I boarded an airship with them and we headed west towards the continent of Avaron.

I was leaving a lot behind but that's not to say I wasn't excited to experience new things, or nervous to do so. Out of habit I scratched the small scar that I got when I was a child on the left side of my chin, something I do compulsively when I get nervous.

Teurell had created a lot of hurt in my life but it was still my home and I was sad to see it go.

As Onas's lute song reached my ears I glanced at my own instrument that was propped against the outer wall of the ship. How this lute had survived so long with me was a mystery to me. But I was glad it stuck around.

I heard my friends call to me to join in on a song session and I smiled to myself.

Turning to join my friends, I could only hope Avaron would hold better things for me than Teurell had.

I released my eyes from the green expanse of trees that was Teurell and turned them towards the soft blue of the horizon and new things to come.


End file.
